Saturday Aug 16

What can I write when
there is nothing of importance
and no inspiration to write.

C. hasn't changed a bit
I'm satisfied not to have her
she is thoughtless.
does not consider things

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Matt's Notes

Here Papa writes out the sentiment he's expressed over the page few days by writing only a question mark in his diary entries: "What can I write when there is nothing of importance...?" The day-to-day details of his life, which I and my legions of readers would certainly find interesting, don't strike him as worth discussion so long as he feels stuck, lonely, with no prospects for immediate or dramatic change.

As I've speculated before, though, I think he was, in fact, growing up very quickly right now. The need to reinvent his world was more pressing now that his father, and the familial security and connection to the old country he represented, were gone. In some way I think the recent, deeper quality of Papa's loneliness may signal a keener, realistic awareness of his circumstances. He doesn't yet know exactly what he needs to do to change things, but I think he's starting to understand that he can't do it by daydreaming alone.

Meanwhile, the saga of "C.," or Clara, continues, though Papa still hasn't explained their long history or why its romantic turbulence has suddenly come to a head. My mother has suggested that Clara might be one of the Breindel sisters, the cousins with whom Papa shared a bed when he first arrived in New York (Eva and Sadie were the others). It wouldn't have been so odd for distant cousins to romance each other in the 1920's, so maybe that's what's going on here. It would certainly explain why Papa seems to know her so well and why he saw no need to introduce their storyline when it suddenly popped up, clearly continued from some earlier point, a few days ago.

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Update 8/25

I just realized that Clara might also be "Clara the daughter of Cousin Leizer" who Papa met on January 6th after her arrival from Europe. After describing the evening he spent with her and his other cousins, Papa went back and wrote an extra line about her in his entry: "The above mentioned Clara Leizers arrived from Europe recently." I didn't think much of it when I first read it, but maybe that extra little attention to Clara hints at his attraction to her.