Friday June 13

And so life goes on,
Today was a quiet day.

Nothing of importance happened
quietly I am doing my
duty to my father by going
to the synagogue to say Kadish,

With my fathers passing
there is really no one in this world
who can give me advice,
My beloved mother (may God
spare her for me) cannot write
and the others of my blood
family do not care even to write
me, Is it because I do not
send them any money, They will
never realize how I am struggling
daily for my very existence, If
they ever did write it was with
a big gimme

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Matt's Notes

Yesterday Papa tested out a few new ideas about love and marriage, and today he again takes us into unfamiliar territory with the angriest, harshest entry he's ever written. This isn't the first time he's described the financial pressure he gets from his family in the old country or wished they'd understand how little spare money he has, but it is the first time he's admitted to such exasperation (he usually laments his own inability to help them more when faced with their requests).

It's almost as if Papa has started squabbling with his siblings in the absence of his wise and stabilizing father, even if he can only do it through his diary. On the other hand, he also uses the same language to describe his own life -- "struggling for my very existence" -- that he has several times used to describe his father (and we know from previous entries that he thinks he should step into his father's shoes and take care of his family). So, who is Papa today: A bereft child or struggling breadwinner? I think he's a little of both, and the clash between those two ways of thinking is making him grouchy.

It's also interesting to note that Papa tries to spare his mother from his anger in this entry -- since she can't write, she can't write to ask him for money like everyone else does. I'm not sure why, but he went back later and crossed out the words "cannot write" in pencil; maybe he went back days or weeks or years later and did this because he didn't want it to be known. In any event, it changes the sentence from "My beloved mother (may God spare her for me) cannot write and the others of my blood family do not care even to write me" to "My beloved mother (may God spare her for me) and the others of my blood family do not care even to write me." In attempting to spare his mother's reputation, he inadvertently becomes more critical of her. Does this accident mean anything, or am I just playing amateur psychologist?