Wednesday July 30

Had an Executive meeting
in my house (Camp)

I am saddened, I am
so much out of luck
What will be the end
I am keeping my hard
luck toughts from my friends
and from my sisters,

I am so heavily indebted
the prospect for the future
is not bright, and all
that is boring and ebbing
the life out of me.

---------------

Matt's Notes

I think the second-to-last line of this entry reads "that is boring and ebbing," but I'm not quite sure I'm reading the word "boring" right. Here's how it looks:





In any event, I suppose that's a minor point considering everything else Papa has to say. I've wondered at times whether he confided in his friends or showed outward signs of worry during more trying times, but he answers that question today when he writes "I am keeping my hard luck thoughts from my friends and from my sisters." I suppose his friends, especially those in "The Maccabean" (a chapter of the Zionist fraternal order B'nai Zion in which Papa was an officer) and his sisters looked to him for too much support, relied too much on his seemingly endless strength, for him to show them how overwhelmed he felt at times.

But could his friends and family really not know? In recent days Papa's been struck anew by sadness over his father's death, his financial woes, and the monotony of bachelorhood. He's felt especially low. I wonder if he mentioned his efforts to keep his concerns under wraps today because he thought he might have inadvertently revealed them during the Maccabean meeting in his apartment. Did he feel like his spare furnishings, the big radio around which his private time revolved, the telephone he installed specifically to relieve his loneliness, were all physical evidence of the internal struggles he hoped to hide?

Whatever the reasons he brought it up today, we know now how alone he really was in his sorrow. He had no guidance but his own, no confidant but his diary, no one to tell him him "the prospect for the future" was, in fact, quite bright. It's all the more remarkable, then, that he eventually found his way.